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Have you experienced some pain or hurt in your marriage? Do you feel unappreciated and un-respected? Maybe you don’t communicate anymore and you are feeling more and more distant. Perhaps your spouse uses hurtful words that have destroyed your intimacy or is there a philosophy undermining your marriage? Maybe there is infidelity?
There is hope.
In every situation where a marriage is struggling there is a single root cause. Today, Don exposes what it is and how couples can start the journey back to a whole, loving, intimate, and peaceful marriage.
Transcript
[Music] Hello everyone, welcome to the full armor of God podcast. I’m your host, Don Purdum. So I recently joined a Facebook group and dealt with marriage and relationships.
You know that there are people hurting out there, but to be frank it’s really amazing and kind of shocking to see how much. And to think that God knows everything, to think that everything that’s out there, He knows about all of it. And here I am just shocked by the amount of hurting people in their marriages.
So today I want to talk about marriage because marriage, it’s probably next to the church, the most important institution created by God. It’s an amazing journey.
Nicole and I have been married over 30 years. It’ll be 31 years in July. So when I say over 30 years, I mean we’ve been married 30 years, right? We’ve known each other for about 32, 33 years. And we’ve had an incredible marriage. I’m looking forward to on Thursday, she’s going to be on the podcast with us. And we’re going to talk a little bit about our relationships and some of the struggles that we had in our marriage, especially early on, but how all of that foundation was set for us.
Today though, I really want to talk about the foundation of marriage.
So if you’re in a place in your marriage right now where things are good, but you feel like it’s grown a little stale, it could be a little better. Or if you’re on the other extreme of that, if you, if your marriage is falling apart, if there’s been infidelity, a lack of communication, a lack of, a lack of peace in your home, I want to get into the solution to that today.
Now this is really broad picture. This isn’t going into any individual situation. This isn’t a case study. This
is just a biblical study of marriage today. But I think the principles that we’re all looking for are here. And they’re all part of the foundation of what I wrote about in “Authentic Marriage -8 Values To Building A Lasting Marriage.”
If anybody wants to copy that eBook, please just reach out to me. I’m happy to give it to you. It is very personal, very relational, but it really gets at the point of how to build that authentic marriage that will last lifetime.
So let’s turn in our Bibles to Ephesians chapter 5. And I’m really going to begin in verse 15 because I think this is where the transition is. Some Bibles have a break in other places as it gets into the marriage relationship, but I really think this is the beginning of it in its context.
So I want to start in Ephesians 5 chapter 15 because this is the real principle. And I’m going to kind of take this in little chunks and build it up and we’ll see how this works.
So it says in verse 15, therefore, be careful how you walk not as unwise men but as wise, making the most of your time because the days are evil. So then do not be foolish but understand what the will of the Lord is.
If you really want to take any relationship, put it into its proper context, this is key here. Be careful how you walk. Meaning be careful how you walk with God. Be careful how you interact with God. Be careful how then that relationship flows out of you as you walk, as you interact with, as you engage with other people, especially your spouse.
We need to wise up. We need to be sensible and careful in thinking about how we live with one another and I’m going to put this back into the marriage now, right? Be careful how we live with one another.
Husband’s don’t go out to the bar at night or to the strip club and hang in out with
your buddies. Wives, don’t be going to happy hour with your single girlfriends or your
unmarried girlfriends that might not have any morals and values and can help lead you astray.
Because what does Satan do?
I mean let’s talk about this for just a second because that’s the ultimate goal here is this contrast of what is it that Satan’s doing? See Satan’s goal isn’t to promote immorality. It isn’t. His goal is to separate you in your relationship with God and the further he can drive that wedge and separate you from God, the more
he wins.
Brothers and sisters we have to understand that he wants to eliminate God’s presence in our lives and we’re going to see in just a minute why this is so important to the marriage relationship because at the end of the day our source of truth, love and salvation is found in Jesus Christ.
Don’t walk foolishly. Don’t walk is unwise people. Don’t be an unwise husband. Don’t be an unwise wife. Don’t say things that are going to hurt each other and tear each other down because if
you do it’s going to be destructive.
I wrote about on I’m creating the Transformational Marriage Masterclass which is going to be live here pretty soon but I wrote about in the context there that you know what the number two reasons for divorce is. Some of you are going to say it’s money or infidelity and it’s none of those two things. It’s either they felt they were drifting away from one another or they weren’t communicating.
I will guarantee you every human relationship, every connection, every bond is built upon the principle of good communication. If you’re not communicating and communication doesn’t just mean sharing all the
good times or superficial things of what happen at work it’s the deep meaningful conversations right about the things in our souls, then we wonder why the relationships fall apart.
If we’re destructive with one another, if we’re not wise, if we’re not making the most of our time together. See and that’s the key together in this passage verse 16, making the most of your time because the days are evil.
The world wants to destroy your marriage. It doesn’t want you united because it’s under the influence of the ruler of this kingdom and the ruler of this kingdom is the devil. And if you want to understand the will of God be careful how you walk. Don’t be as unwise men. Make the most of your time so that you won’t
be foolish and if you do those things you’ll understand the will of the Lord.
So, there’s a couple of principles that are in here. And verses 18 to 21, He says, “Do not get drunk with wine for that is dissipation but be filled with the Spirit. Speaking to one another in Psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody with your heart to the Lord, always giving thanks for all things in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ to God, even the Father and be subject to one another in the fear of Christ.:
Let’s think about this. He just told us don’t be foolish and then he introduces foolish ideas. You know, don’t get drunk.
Why?
Because when we get drunk, even though we have our faculties and even though we know right from wrong, we are under the influence of our minds worst inhibitions to go and do dumb things. We might say dumb things. We might do dumb things.
So what do I mean by that?
You know, people who have a habit or practice of drinking to that degree because there’s, in and of itself, there’s nothing wrong with alcohol. It can be a useful tool for our health even in some circumstances. But generally speaking, drunkenness is a problem because it opens us up to saying things we
don’t mean to hurt people or to make ourselves feel better, and in making ourselves feel better hurt someone or giving in to our inhibitions.
If you’re in the right place at the wrong time, you’ll do the wrong thing. That helps contribute in lead to infidelities.
“Speaking to one another in Psalms and hymns and spiritual songs singing and making melody with your heart to the Lord, always giving things. For all things in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, even the Father,” think about this for just a second.
How do we speak to one another?
Are we edifying? Are we building up? Are we encouraging when we’re not feeling good?
Are we finding appropriate ways to share with one another so that your partner can receive your hurt or your pain? Are you giving thanks in all things?
See, when we begin focusing on the wrong things, we don’t give thanks, we give the wrong response. Thanks. Giving thanks for all things.
Do you give thanks for the hard time that you’re in right now in your marriage? Are you thankful for this challenging time if you’re not you should be? Because it is an opportunity for God to draw you closer to
Him and in drawing you closer 00:11:09,420 to Him to one another.
It doesn’t matter what the sin is that hurt the relationship, it doesn’t matter if it was a harsh word, it doesn’t matter if you’re fighting over the dumbest of little things who didn’t put the cap on the toothbrush or you left something in the sink or you never run the dishwasher, how come you don’t take the dogs out? Why am I the one always taking out the kids?
Did you experience the ultimate betrayal in infidelity?
Yeah, you can give thanks that a very bad thing happened to you because it’s an opportunity for you to draw closer to God. Always giving thanks for all things and be subject to one another in the fear of Christ.
See, in the Christian household everything has a proper relationship and this is the setup for that relationship. The setup for our relationships with one another is to be careful how we walk, don’t be foolish, speak to one another with encouragement and edification, Psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, seeing out of your heart to one another.
In other words, the words that you’re using may they be joyous from the heart. For your spouse. Always give thanks to the Lord no matter what situation you find yourself in, no matter how good it is or how bad it is, isn’t it amazing?
That when things are good, we don’t actually talk, we don’t actually see when good things happen. Matter of fact, we just start going on eventually as if the good things are normal and it doesn’t really matter. We just expect it to go on forever because nobody wants the bad things to happen.
But when times get tough, when the mortgage isn’t getting paid, when you lost a job, when your business, the entrepreneur isn’t doing well, when the money starts to run out, when you can’t pay the bills; are you giving thanks for that?
There is incredible power and release in giving thanks in all things and the reason for that is because all things that are happening to you are from God. To make us better, to help us grow in our maturity in Christ.
So now let’s get into it.
Let’s get into the real meat of this, right?
We’ve talked about what not to do, right?
Don’t be unwise but be wise. Don’t make foolish decisions. Don’t say hurtful things. Don’t run away from God but instead in all difficult challenging circumstances run to Him.
When a child goes astray, what then?
When you find yourself in a difficult situation, maybe you lost a child and the pain is so deep and the heart is so real.
Give thanks.
Healing starts in thanks.
Find something to thank for that moment. It’s there. You just have to release it. Being subject to one another in the fear of Christ is giving up control.
It’s recognizing the things that you don’t have the power over and saying God. It’s all yours because you as an individual didn’t cause the good things God did, right?
You as an individual didn’t cause the bad things. It’s a consequence of just being human, of just living this life. Be subject to one another, especially as a couple.
I think we have to go back to the beginning. I think we have to remember that in Genesis, God created Adam for a relationship with them but he saw that it wasn’t good for Adam to be alone as a created being.
So what did he do?
He made Adam from nothing from the ground, right? From dirt and all of that good stuff. God said, the Bible says he made Adam from nothing and then he took from Adam and he made Eve. He took a rib from Adam and made her because he said it wasn’t good for Adam to be alone and that he should have a helper. He should have a companion. He should have someone to go through this life with.
This is the idea of marriage that were not to be alone, that we go through the good in the
bad together. And that she compliments me and he compliments her and their strengths and their weaknesses and they work together.
And how do they now work together?
This is what Paul is going to get into.
How do we work together?
Verse 22, again I am still in Ephesians 5. “Wives be subject to your own husbands as to the Lord.”
One of the most misunderstood and misapplied passages may be in the history of the New Testament. I can’t tell you how many times I have heard in my life that the whole point of this passage is that wives, you just be quiet sitting a corner and do what you told.
That’s not what the passage means.
We are now in the context of the marriage relationship, right?
And a relationship by its very inherent definition means that there is trust and confidence and knowledge of one another, that there is this total grasp of intimacy that has been developed in a way that doesn’t exist in any other human relationship. Period end of discussion.
So we are back to the creation perspective that somebody has to lead the family. Someone is supposed to lead, but that doesn’t mean that we are not equal. Because we are. No one is any less valued than another, but we do have different roles to play.
So what does this mean when it says wives be subject to your own husbands as to the Lord?
Well I am going to get ahead of myself a little bit here because he is going to break this down in the next number of passages to explain how the burden of the leadership of the home and the spiritual responsibility lays on the husband. He is the one who is going to be responsible to God for what happens in that marriage relationship.
So when he says wives be subject to your husbands as to the Lord, he is simply saying here wives, respect your husband’s responsibilities. That’s what he is saying. And respond accordingly to your husband.
He is not saying that you should put up with abuse. He is not. Because a good husband, as we are going to learn, would never be abusive.
A good husband wouldn’t take you for granted.
A good husband wouldn’t have infidelity or cheat on you.
A good husband would do the following.
He would carry the burden. Verse 23, “For the husband is the head of the wife of Christ is also the head of the church. He himself being the Savior of the body.”
Now let’s break that down and think about that for just a second. So, what in the world does this mean?
What this means, folks, is that the marriage relationship is the very representation of the relationship between Jesus and the Father and most importantly, between Jesus and the church.
Jesus is the head of the church.
He is the creator of the church.
He is the embodiment of the church.
And as he is head of the church, does that make us any less important in the church?
Absolutely not.
The whole point of the church is that we belong to Jesus. We belong to Him and He belongs to us. We belong to one another.
And as the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also the head of the church, He himself being the Savior of the body. See the husband, he is the caretaker of the marriage. As he goes in his spiritual maturity, in his emotional maturity, in his love and care for his wife, so goes the marriage.
So also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything. Now think about that. Someone is subject to something, right?
The church is subject to Christ.
The husband is subject to the church and wives are subject to their husbands. But those who are spiritually over us have the deep, deep, deep responsibility, a deep, deep, accountability to God, responsibility. And here’s how in verse 25, “Husbands, love your wives just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of the water with the word that He might present to Himself the church and all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she would be wholly and blameless.”
Husbands, love your wives, He says, “Just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her. Husbands, do you love your wives that much
Have you spent so much time with her and given all of your emotional, earthly affections to your wife that your eyes are for your wife?
Do you love her so much that you want everything that’s good for her?
Do you love her so much that you would give your life up for her?
The burden of this relationship is not on wives be subject to your husband. We have got to get this cleaned up in this misconceived notion that runs rampant in our culture full of fake feminism, a type of feminism that would seek to destroy marriages, not build them up.
I understand where feminism came from. I’m not saying that the motives behind it at one point in time whenever weren’t good, but it happened because husbands weren’t stepping up to the plate. It happened because husbands weren’t enriching their lives’ wives, making their lives better, empowering them to fulfill their callings, empowering them to be a whole person, loving them so much that they would give their lives up for their lives.
I see this still all the time. Husbands take it upon themselves to just go off and make decisions and don’t even consult their spouse.
And wives, many of you who are caught up in the whole feminist trap are doing the same exact thing and you’ve got your priorities out of order, and then we’re all sitting around wondering why are our
marriages and the church failing?
If we can’t put our priorities straight, if we can’t love each other, the way that Christ commands us to love one another, and husbands can’t step up to the plate and be the man of God for his wife, then what should we be expecting?
In verse 26, Paul transitions and he talks about Jesus’ relationship with his church but he’s still using it in the context of marriage, right? So that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that he might present to himself the church. And all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she would be holy and blameless.
See, Jesus makes his church holy and blameless when the church is obedient to Christ. But if the church goes off on a tangent and embraces every doctor in and every wind that blows and every emotional reaction out of this supposed love movement, that embraces things that should not embrace.
Is it little wonder that people are leaving the pews?
In some instances, it’s these fake churches, the act like country clubs that embrace every wind that blows… LGBTQ, every kind of sinful behavior and says, “It’s okay, God still loves you. You can still participate in your sin.”
Completely ignoring Jesus’ own words when he walked amongst us for 33 years and showed us, showed us how to live.
When he forgave somebody, when he healed somebody, when he rose someone from the dead, there was always one of two things that he said. He said, “Your faith has made you well. Your faith has restored you, your faith in Him and/or he said, “Go and sin no more.”
Why?
Because only God can forgive sin.
And here is this church, embracing sin. The Apostle Paul says in Romans, “May it never be.”
But this is what we’re doing in our marriages.
It’s exactly what we’re doing in our marriages. We’re ignoring God’s will for our lives and in our order and in our marriages and then we wonder why they’re falling apart.
Jesus says that that He might “present himself to the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing.”
See, God wants his church to be holy as He’s holy, and that she would be holy and blameless.
If we inside our churches are building churches that are holy and blameless, see we’re holy because of Jesus, not because of us. When he died on the cross, he didn’t just forgive us of our sins. He, when the Holy Spirit in dwellers, he by what the Bible calls “propitiation” by his work, he made us holy and blameless. And that transformation from the inside out as we mature in our faith and in our knowledge
of Christ, in our experience of Him, of actually really knowing Him, it changes us.
Verse 28, “So husbands also ought to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself. No one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church.
See here’s the burden again.
“Women, if you want a man like this, stop living in feminism. Stop living in this world of everybody’s out to get you of the male gender and start living in Christ.”
These are unwise and foolish things we were warned about all the way back in verse 15 through 17. Be careful how you walk, not as unwise but as wise.
Feminism is foolishness because it teaches women that they don’t have to rely on a man, and that’s the lie. Yes, you do, just as he has to also rely on you. You rely on one another because you make each other whole, you make each other one flesh.
Husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies.
Who goes around hurting themselves?
Not anybody in Christ. I’ll tell you that, not anybody not involved in some type of activity that is apart from Christ. Demons would want you to hurt yourself, they say, “I hope you do it.” They won’t even ask questions, “Oh, you want to burn your flesh, you want to cut yourself, hey, there’s a knife right over there, there’s a torch right over there or whatever.
Right?
Think about this for just a second. Love your wives as your own body. You take care of your body, at least I hope you do. And if you take care of your body and you love her, aren’t you also taking care of her needs? Her spiritual needs, her physical needs, her emotional needs.
Are you guarding her heart?
All of this ladies and gentlemen is to share with you my brothers and my sisters that the burden is on the man. I am absolutely convinced that when a man loves his wife in this way, as Christ loves the church, that she naturally loves him. She naturally appreciates him, she naturally wants to take care of him and be his partner.
Do you see it?
This is why our marriages are falling apart and this is also where healing and restoration is at. When we really forgive someone, we really forgive them. We don’t hold on to it.
We work to rebuild the trust, rebuild the confidence and go through the process that will lead us back to the kind of intimacy that Christ loves the church and I love my wife and my wife loves me.
See where? Where one body. At verse 33 goes on to say, “Each individual among you is to love his own wife, even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.”
There is the respect again all the way back in verse 22 of the idea of be subject to your husbands. It is respect, but it is respect that comes out of a husband who treats his wife the way she should be treated.
Men, I am challenging you right now.
Step up and love your wife as you love your own body.
Step up and love your wife the way that Christ loves the church and ladies give up your own foolishness. He’s got his own foolishness. He’s got to give up. You have yours too. Both of you have probably done some unwise things. Used some unwise words, and made things worse.
The part of healing and restoration is that you come together as one and you rebuild that trust.
You rebuild that confidence.
You rebuild the foundation of your marriage which is centered on Jesus.
You want your marriage to be restored?
That’s exactly what can happen. These are the things that I talk about in my eBook, Authentic Marriage.
How do you do that?
What is that process?
If someone out there is listening this today and it’s resonating with you, you’ve gotten this far. We’re over a half hour into the podcast now. You’ve gotten this far.
My prayer for you is that you’ll reach out to me. Reach out to me. You can go to faithandtrust.org and you can find my contact information and you can reach out to me. I’d love to hear from you. We have a coaching program that we help couples.
Maybe you’re a couple that is just doing well. You’re doing okay. It’s not bad. It does not really have any strife. You have peace but you want to go deeper and you want to connect more meaningfully. I can help you with that. Nicole and I can help you with that.
If you want to overcome your adversity, maybe you’re in a very challenging environment in your marriage now. Maybe the situation has deteriorated so badly that separation or divorce is on the table but that’s not really where your heart is and it’s not what you want.
We can help you.
All right, guys.
That’s it for today.
On Thursday, Nicole and I are going to be on together. We’re going to talk about our marriage. We’re going to talk about what we have been through and the challenges and the struggles and how all of those things worked out in such a way that today we have a marriage centered on Christ that is
meaningful, that is deeply intimate, and how I feel like I know Nicole in ways that no one else does. As she knows me that way, it’s amazing.
It’s the most wonderful thing in my life next to Jesus.
So, we want to share that with you. We want to talk about some of the trials early on in our marriage and how we overcame those things and how we discovered those eight authentic values that we’ll talk about on Thursday.
In the meantime, thank you.
Thank you for listening. I love you.
I want the best for you and I pray for you. [MUSIC]