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I recently received a message from Sophia. She said she had been married for six years. I want to share with you her experience and ask a simple question… What is respect in a marriage?
Sophia said her husband’s chief complaint is that she doesn’t treat him respectfully. Yet, in her view, she is completely respectful. She said she isn’t a nagger and doesn’t speak badly to her husband or about him. She uplifts him and regularly thanks him for how hard he works to provide for their family.
She also stated she often expresses her appreciation for him and show him affection in numerous ways. When addressing her husband about sensitive issues, Sophia added that she chooses her words carefully so as to not cast blame on him.
Despite his need to be “respected,” Sophia said he is highly disrespectful towards her. He’s rude to her and says hurtful things, including overtly saying she is disrespectful towards her.
Sophia wondered if she really treated him this way or if he was gaslighting her. She added that her husband mistreats her under the guise of her supposedly not respecting her.
So, let’s talk about respect.
First off, if Sophia doesn’t feel respected, she isn’t.
Respect is defined in two ways:
A feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements.
Due regard for the feelings, wishes, rights, or traditions of others.
When looking at this definition, it’s clear that respect is earned, not given.
When one spouse demands respect but doesn’t give it, it erodes confidence in the marriage. As negative experiences pile up, confidence can erode to nothing. When confidence wanes, so does trust and intimacy.
So, was Sophia being gaslighted, it’s entirely possible.
Here’s one thing I can guarantee you… Sophia and her husband are miscommunicating and misunderstanding one another. Somewhere along the way, something happened that triggered Sophia’s husband into negative emotional state that is playing itself out. He may feel disrespected in other areas of their relationship. Therefore, no matter what Sophia does right he feels disrespected.
Emotions are a funny thing… They aren’t logical and they aren’t reasonable sometimes.
So, how can one earn respect if they feel they aren’t getting it?
Start by giving it.
Are you considerate of your spouse’s thoughts, feelings, or needs?
Do you place their needs, wants, and desires over your own?
Respect and love go hand in hand,
When one is missing, they both go astray.
In 1 Corinthians, 13:4-7, the Apostle Paul reminds us of what love is…
“Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”
This is the foundation of respect.
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